The Next Chapter

Published on by Nancy
Photo taken on September 2, 2023 – the one year anniversary of Bob’s passing

I conquered many firsts this past year.  The first holiday season without Bob, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, my birthday, kid’s and grandkid’s birthdays.  A granddaughter’s marriage. Hosting family at our home without his presence.  Our second grandson’s birth.  Our first grandson turning 3 years old.  And the biggest one…the one year anniversary of Bob’s death.  

In between the big firsts, there were little firsts. Going to places that we used to go together…coffee shops, hiking trails, restaurants, the lake, visiting friends and family, etc.  Being there, going through the motions but not fully present is the only way I know how to describe the fog and void. The second, third, fourth times doing them alone became a little easier but I’d still rather have Bob with me.

Shortly before the anniversary date of Bob’s passing, I was struggling to let go of the past. I can only describe it like reading a book and wanting to go back to all the good chapters instead of moving forward through the story. 

Around that time I visited my friend, Bonnie, who lost her husband about 8 months before I lost Bob.  

She shared a story about leaving coins on headstones of veterans. I was interested in the story because Bob was a veteran.  I listened as she shared the significance of each coin.

Leaving a penny is a way of letting the deceased soldier’s family know that somebody stopped by to pay their respects.  A nickel means you and the deceased veteran trained at boot camp together.  A dime means you and the deceased veteran served together.  A quarter means you were there when the veteran died.  

The tradition became popular in the United States during the Vietnam War.  It was a way to show respect during a controversial war and to honor the deceased veterans.

Bonnie told me that her late husband would often go to cemeteries of loved ones and leave coins.  

I thought it was interesting but didn’t think about it too much until a few nights later when I had a vivid dream. 

In the dream, I was visiting the cemetery where Bob was laid to rest.  I had several coins in my pocket and wanted to find a veteran’s grave to leave a coin to pay my respects and let their loved ones know that someone had visited.  

I stopped at Bob’s grave and then began walking around.  In the distance I saw Bob’s oncologist standing by a graveside with a tablet in his hand making notes.  Family and friends gathered around and in the middle of their circle was a man in a hospital bed.  A young man was standing next to his bedside crying, praying and pleading with the man on the bed to keep fighting.

I glanced over at Bob’s graveside and he was sitting in a chair.  He motioned to me to come over, I walked over to him, he handed me a folded note and told me to take it to the young man who was crying and have him read it out loud. I walked back to the grievers and handed it to the young man and asked him to read it out loud as Bob had directed.

The young man opened the folded note and read: “Sometimes it’s better and easier to die than to live here in pain with an incurable illness. You just have know when to let go.”

I glanced back in Bob’s direction and he was gone.

I woke up from the dream in awe.

That dream shifted something deep in my soul and I knew that message was for me.

I’m trying hard to let life unfold now and to enjoy the gifts that take me by surprise in this new chapter instead of going back to all the familiar chapters from the past.

As Donna Ashworth says in her poem, “The Edge” – Chapters end, even the good ones.   

Bob will always be part of my story, my life and in my heart.  There’s no escaping that and I wouldn’t want to. I’m in a different chapter now and daily the pages turn and I just keep moving forward.  

Part of moving forward is resting.  God has taken me to the green pastures and still waters spoken of in Psalm 23 and there I have found my faith deepen.  I sit quietly reading the Bible and letting God’s Spirit strengthen me. At times grief still comes in waves but life is a little easier without Bob, because I’m never really alone.  The Lord is near.  

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34:18

Memories are becoming gifts when at first they were hard to relive.  I’ve been able to frame some favorite photos of Bob and also some of both of us together. Placing them on shelves with other family photos brings comfort and joy to me and I smile rather than feel the intense pain that I once felt when I’d look at his smiling face. 

I could easily miss the beauty in each day if I spend too much time wishing for the ones that already happened.  

I’m taking small steps forward remembering that just because I’m finding enjoyment in life again, doesn’t mean I can’t remember the chapters of yesterday with Bob and see how they’ve brought me here to this place in my story.  

Written by: Nancy Janiga © 2023

The feature photo was taken at Lake Michigan.

35 thoughts on “The Next Chapter”

      1. Here is a response to your post from one of my friends: “Oh Jewels, you have done it again! This beautiful piece truly resonated with me. A bit past the one-year mark. I have been told.
        That year two is tougher. That may be. But this beautifully written piece will definitely carry me forward. Thank you for sharing.”

        I hope that the well-meaning soul who told her that the second year is tougher is wrong. I have not heard that before. But just in case—as she says, your piece will help carry her forward.

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      2. Oh thank you so much, Julia, for sharing your friend’s response! It is an encouragement to know that in some small way I may be able to help someone else. I belong to a widow’s support group and some in the group have shared that the second year has been tougher for them. I’m just a bit past the one year mark too and I can’t say it is tougher … just maybe that the reality of widowhood is really sinking now. Being with other widows helps a lot because we understand each other. But everyone grieves differently. Thank you again for sharing my piece!

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  3. Oh, my dear friend, how beautiful God gave you this dream and gift from Bob. And the gift of being able to write it so beautifully for us to read and also gain comfort. I’m so thankful I have you to walk with as we learn and grow in our life now. Love you❤️

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  4. Nancy, what a joy to hear from you and to know that your beloved husband has visited you in a dream to help you to move forward without him! He lives and remains close to you. Know that you have been in my prayers during your time of grief ❤

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  5. Such a story of your life with your husband. I don’t know if I could manage it as well but in reading your words if I’m ever in that position I will surely try to be brave and strong. Your writing is beautiful and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing. 🍁🤎

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    1. Thank you so much, Cheryl. I’m really not too brave or strong but prayer is a comfort and I’m surrounded by good friends and family who help too.

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    1. Thank you so much, Beth. I’m trying hard to get back to writing and my writing community. It’s been a slow process. Thank you so much for your lovely comment and encouragement.

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  7. Wowza! I surely admire how you place your heart in perspective to the life around you. I’m left speechless. Thank you for sharing your depth. Never try to stop thinking about Bob and your past with him. He is you, and you are him. When the time comes to move forward take the best of him with you. What an amazing love you shared. What a honor it is that you have shared it.
    So happy to see you back on line. I’m ready for more from you. Thanks for visiting today, Nancy. May God overwhelm you with his presence, his love and his blessings!

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    1. Andy, You are always an encouragement and I’m thankful for your comment. It felt good to write again and visited WordPress today but I’m not sure I’m back 100 percent yet. However, I am feeling a little more interest in writing and other creative activities again. I’m so thankful for God and his comfort and also for family and friends who are a big support. May God bless you and yours!

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  9. Love you dear sister! And thank you for sharing this beautiful story of life! It is such an encouragement to your followers and also to me. Moving forward with the Lords strength is a blessing while still keeping Bob close to your heart. ❤️

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      1. My mother visited me in a dream not long after she passed. She brought me scarves, which I interpreted as comfort, and said she had to go. She was staying with friends, which I believe is true.

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      2. That’s wonderful and, I’m sure, it was comforting for you, Crystal. I love to hear about dreams like this. Several friends and family members have shared dreams they had after a loved one died that brought them comfort too.

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  12. Praying for you as you take each small step forward. You write so beautifully…your words do paint a love story that was a gift from God. And yet, you deeply understand that both you and your husband are part of God’s great love story. We are God’s children and His love for us is greater than we could ever imagine. I pray for you in this new chapter of your life, your heart fixed on God’s word and His plans for your future unfolding day by day.

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    1. Thank you, Linda. It’s so good to hear from you. I’m more hopeful now in my grief journey and God has been good to me. His mercies are new every morning and I’m looking forward to what he has for me ahead.

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  14. Your remembrance of the past year without your dear husband Bob was very touching. I do believe your dream was a message for you. God bless you with continued strength, Nancy. Thank you for sharing your story to give hope to others who may have lost their spouses and to inspire those who have not lost their spouses to relish every day with one another.

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    1. Thank you for reading this and for your lovely comment, Nancy. I’ve heard from other widows that this piece touched their hearts and I’m thankful that in some small way my story may help others. It is my hope, as you wrote, that it would also inspire those who haven’t lost spouses to relish every day with one another.

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  15. Thank you for sharing your journey with us Nancy. It is one of the best descriptions of dealing with grief I have been privileged to read. May our Father God continue to guide and bless your every step on your journey sister 🙏

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