Well hello there. It’s been 9 months since I visited the pages of this journal so I just may be typing to myself.
During the past 9 months, like the 9 months that it takes to birth a new life, something new has been developing, growing and birthing in me.
I’m not sure if that means that I will consistently write in this space again but that may happen.
I’ve been up to soul care. My soul care. Sometimes, like King David, we need to speak to our souls. I love the Psalms. The honesty of David is so refreshing. He was honest but always ended his prayers with attention directed toward God. He may have been depressed, downtrodden, running for his life at times but in his honestly he found God to always be enough. He could praise and worship the God who loved him only after pouring out his heart before him. Sometimes he had to speak directly to his soul…Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5
When Bob and I returned home after almost 11 months away for Bob’s cancer treatment and ultimate bone marrow transplant, I thought I’d pick up right where I left off. But as Bob recovered I found that I needed a period of recovery too.
For so many months I ran 90 miles an hour without thinking much about what I/we were going through. I had to stay strong, above collapsing, taking care of Bob, arranging hospital and doctor appointments, organizing the dozens of medications that he needed, making sure he received the correct doses at the right time, administering medications through IV’s, keeping everything sterile, watching him helpless; limp with barely being able to lift his head off of his pillow most days and feeling helpless when I couldn’t take his discomfort away.
Not much changed after we got home. I was on high alert as Bob struggled with more setbacks and serious hospitalizations. Go, go go… that’s what I did without much thinking, without much down time except praying and asking God to supply what I needed to keep going at that crazy pace. I knew that I couldn’t get sick and that put more pressure on me. There were times when I would think: I feel sick. What was that pain? Oh no, I can’t get sick. Bob needs me. Sometimes my thoughts were irrational. Stress will do that.
Bob’s doctors told us that it wasn’t going to be easy but we didn’t fully grasp the full scope of it until we got to the other side and looked back.
As Bob recovered and could do more for himself again, I found I remained on high alert not able to relax nor could I find lasting inner peace and quiet that I often experienced during the months away. There was more peace during the hardest places because I was being carried…carried by the Lord even when I couldn’t feel it. It’s obvious now in hindsight.
Many people run through life at high speed so they don’t have to face the truth about themselves or the thorny, painful, hurtful areas of life. They know if they slow down they would have to come face to face with themselves, their fears and anxiety. Running from the pain seems easier so they continue running in the wrong direction. Trying to quench their thirst for God with counterfeit gods doesn’t bring lasting peace. It’s just a bandage but won’t reach or heal the deep wounds of life.
What brings peace is being honest with ourselves, with God, facing our fears, hurts and surrendering them to God. Then we can slow down and live at peace, because we’re no longer running away but toward the one who cares for us like a good father.
I’m by nature a quiet, reflective type. It’s always been easy for me to unwind. I always thrived on peace, quiet, and by being alone but the running to care for Bob, living for so long on high alert, in the flight or fright syndrome — not by choice but by necessity — I became accustomed to that lifestyle. The hypervigilance that I lived for so long left me jumpy, waiting for the next crisis to respond to when I didn’t have to do that anymore. It served me well for many months but began to hurt me when I couldn’t let it go after the necessity to live that way was gone.
I needed to face my fear, anxiety, claim it, speak it out loud, tell God about it and then surrender it all to him. So I have been in process of letting go of the lifestyle I lived for so long and allowing a peaceful, quiet life to be birthed in me again.
That’s where I am. I haven’t been gone just facing myself, those deepest fears, anxiety, realizing it’s okay to rest now. Jesus says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) It’s been good for me to rest in Christ.
Healing comes in different ways. Bob is in a complete molecular remission and I am healing emotionally.
Here’s a great song that speaks to me right now. You may like it too. Sometimes we just need to speak to our soul like King David did…
It’s all good, because like the lyrics by Casting Crowns says … “Oh my soul you are not alone. There’s a place for fear to face the God you know. One more day he will make a way. Let him show you how you can lay this down. Cause you’re not alone.”
That’s for me, for you, for all of us.