Tag: love

There is Singing and there is Light

Published on by Nancy11 Comments

As a young child, I can remember my mother singing through the house as she did her chores. She had the gift of a beautiful voice and she filled our home with it.

I was the oldest and then came my sister, Diane. We were the first two of six children. When she and I were very young, my mother often sang us to sleep at night.

There, on our bed all tucked in after a warm bath, clean pajamas slipped into, our hair towel dried, and prayers said, she sang.

When darkness set in, often thoughts that weren’t there in the daylight hours would surface. Like those unrelenting thoughts of monsters that are common in the imaginations of small children.

I needed a glimmer of light somewhere close by to pierce through the darkness.

To read the full article click here: https://www.christiangrandfather.org/2023/05/14/there-is-singing-and-there-is-light/ where I’m the featured writer for Christian Grandfather Magazine today.

Blessings,

Nancy

Good and Perfect Gifts

Published on by Nancy19 Comments

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

When I’m tempted to start my day with worry, sadness, frustration or disappointment, I turn my eyes upward and focus on God who is the source of my joy. Then I muster up the will to find the good and perfect gifts throughout the day. They are here but the negative emotions can cloud my ability to see them.  

In my grief, I know how important it is to feel my emotions and not bottle them up.  I shared a part of my grief journey in A Way Through.  

I have a myriad of emotions that rise up in me daily.  I don’t stuff them but try hard not to wallow in them either.  That has been a choice.  It’s a choice that recycles my emotional pain and takes me to positive places in my heart and mind.  

The photo above is from Valentine’s Day 2020 … right before the pandemic. It popped up as a feature photo on my phone and my heart dropped.  Oh how I miss him, I thought.  My emotions began to take me down the rabbit hole of sadness and for longings to have Bob with me again.

But as I looked at it for awhile I put myself back in the picture, sitting across from Bob in the little restaurant called Dr. Rolfs Barbecue.   

I remembered the white chicken chili we had for lunch, what we were talking and laughing about and how Bob picked up his straw like he was smoking.  I shook my head but he kept making me laugh so I finally snapped the photo with my phone. I’m glad I have it now.

We talked about how we enjoyed the cornbread waffles that they made fresh daily. A small slice was included with each bowl of chili but before that day we had never ordered the dessert waffles. The plate of waffles topped with strawberries and whipped cream that was pictured on the menu caught my attention.  Bob said, “It’s Valentine’s Day, let’s order it.”  And we did.  

After lunch we took a walk through the streets of downtown before going home.  

I give thanks for this Valentine’s Day memory.

The memories are a gift.  In a world that can often be dark and troublesome, there are still good and perfect gifts everywhere.  Sometimes the hard places are gifts too, because they bring us to the Creator of everything perfect and good who helps us through all things.  

Go hug a loved one.  Count your gifts.  Someday they will be wonderful memories to relive and you’ll carry them in your heart forever.  

Blessings,

Nancy

A Way Through

Published on by Nancy45 Comments

“You will embark,” he said, “on a fair sea, and at times there will be fair weather, but not always. You will meet storms and overcome them.  You will take it in turns to steer your boat through fair weather and foul.  Never lose courage.  Safe harbor awaits you both in the end.” —Daphne Du Maurier

We have met storms and they didn’t overcome us.  The promise of a safe harbor kept us going  but one of us has reached the safe harbor and one of us is left to navigate the rest of the way alone.  

On August 29, 2022, I wrote:Looking for my Rainbow. It was the day after Bob was taken by ambulance to the hospital for the last time.

I said my final goodbye to my beloved husband on September 2, 2022 as he exited earth for his eternal home.  He reached his safe harbor.  For the last few months I have been slowly learning how to live as ‘me’ instead of ‘we’.

The loss of Bob is accompanied by other losses.  Grief has a ripple effect.  These are often referred to as secondary losses.  The tasks Bob did and decisions he made that he no longer does is a loss.  Being Bob’s caregiver, as hard as it was at times, is a loss and I miss it.  I grieve his sense of humor, coffee together, deep conversations, driving to and walking in favorite little towns along our lakeshore. Now just driving through our city alone is hard. Memories of our life together here surface and waves of grief come again and again. Today is his birthday and I grieve not being able to make a special dinner and his favorite cake or dessert.  I missed greeting him this morning with a kiss and a gift or card. These losses and more take me by surprise but I know it’s all part of healing.  Each one must be felt and not buried if I want to move forward. 

Mind over matter doesn’t work in the middle of grief.  Nor does trying to harness the power of positive thinking.  It cannot be willed away.  As uncomfortable as it is, grief must be felt.  I am experiencing the truth of that… we cannot not grieve when going through loss.  

There’s a sweetness in the grief at times and that surprises me too.  Tears bring relief and healing. It always helps to just let them flow. I’ve read in several grief recovery books that if grief is bottled up it won’t go away. It will just build up like the steam in a tea kettle until the pressure has to be released and will come out at inappropriate times and in unhealthy ways. We can’t avoid it, push it away, try to mask it or run away from the intense feelings. So I’m taking it slow, easy and letting the process unfold.  

I don’t know what I’d do if I was alone in the process.  Sons, daughter-in-law, grandchildren can’t take away the void I feel but being with family and sharing memories of Bob’s love and presence in our lives becomes a buffer.  It helps all of us.  My two sisters have been saving my life.  Although they haven’t experienced what I’m going through, they keep in close contact with me and check in on me often. Family has been a soft place to land.       

Women who have lost husbands reached out to me and long time relationships with some of them have deepened and new relationships with others are developing. It’s encouraging to be in the company of women who understand each other’s pain. These women are a gift. We are a gift to one another.    

The sweetness of grieving is also felt in my relationship with God.  Honesty in prayer has opened up a deeper, richer relationship with Him.  

He is close to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I dislike the word widow.  It’s hard for me to utter the word but with this new status comes something good that I would never want to miss or avoid. My God holds me closer than ever now.  It’s his promise to me.  He states it over and over again in the Bible and I just learned recently that there are 103 scripture references to widows, revealing the importance I hold in the heart of God. Widows are included with prisoners, orphans — the voiceless — the oppressed–the powerless — and He promises to uphold us and speak for us. 

Through all the pain, sorrow and heartache, I have been invited into the arms of my Savior and my God.  He is listening, defending and touching my heart and His promises to me hold true.

I wrote the following poem many years ago for a grieving friend: 

SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

In the arms of Jesus

is where your loved one rests

and you can be assured

that’s where he’s truly blessed.

No more pain or suffering

now free from all sorrow

in the midst of singing angels

there is a bright tomorrow.

For all of Heaven’s days are bathed

in the brilliance of God’s light

there’s no more fear of darkness

for in Heaven there’s no night.

Remember, in your deepest sorrow,

you grieve not without hope

and the one who holds your loved one close

is the one who’ll help you cope.

My beloved, Bob, has reached the safe harbor and I am being helped, loved and cared for by the One who welcomed him to safety.  Bob reached that distant shore first.  Now with confidence in God’s guidance and the memory of Bob alive in my heart, I will move toward that harbor where both of them will someday welcome me home.

Nancy Janiga

1/26/2023

The featured photo was taken on the shores of Lake Michigan

Looking for my Rainbow

Published on by Nancy27 Comments

On a not too hot summer day with lots of sunshine and low humidity, we were exploring a quaint little shoreline town.  The whole vibe was creative with local artists filling boutiques with one of a kind pieces of art.  Resale shops and restaurants lined the bay.  Good company, food, fun and laughter filled the day.  I was with family … my husband, two sisters, their husbands and my youngest son and his girlfriend.  The day couldn’t have been more perfect. 

We took a walk on the pier, had lunch on the waterfront, visited a couple more shops and then headed toward the car.  As we passed a boutique where I spotted a candle earlier, I told the group that I was going to go inside to purchase it.  They said that they’d meet me in the car that was just a few feet from the store.  

I walked over to the candle section and noticed the sky getting dark out the side window. What is happening, I thought. The bright blue sky was turning gray quickly.  As the lights went out in the store, I followed the other customers to the window.  The wind was shaking the little shop.  As I looked outside, I saw trees being uprooted by the wind and thrown to the ground, people were trying to run for cover but the wall of rain and wind pushed against them and they began to fall or be lifted up and tossed around like rag dolls.  That’s when I saw my family race away in our vehicle.  They left me behind.  Customers clutched each other and began to cry.  

Trying to console them I yelled, “Look for your rainbow!  Look for your rainbow!” 

I saw light on the the other side of the store, ran toward the windows in that space and I exclaimed, “Look, look!”  I turned in their direction, “Come here,” and they ran over to me.  Out that large picture window in front of us were rolling green hills, dotted with flowers and birds and butterflies flying about.  The sun was rising behind the hills brighter and brighter.  Over the sun a colorful rainbow arched over the expanse of the sky.  

________________

Look for your rainbow!  Look for your rainbow!  Look for your rainbow!  It was a mantra that I kept repeating as I woke up from that dream in the wee hours of the morning. 

It was July, 2017 and a year and a half after my husband’s bone marrow transplant.  He would be prepped for open heart surgery soon.  I jumped out of bed to get ready to drive to the hospital repeating the phrase, look for your rainbow, look for your rainbow. I held onto the hope that it would come after the storm.  

There have been many rainbows to light up our sky in the last 7 years as Bob and I have weathered many storms with his health.

    _________________

Last night I drove to the hospital in a literal storm.  My windshield wipers were working overtime but with the sheets of rain coming down it was hard to see clearly. With the wind howling, thunder roaring and lightning flashing I prayed behind the ambulance that was transporting my husband to the hospital.  

Make a way, Lord.  I cannot not see ahead in this literal storm nor can I see my way clear in yet another circumstantial storm.  You are my WayMaker, you are our WayMaker.  I trust you again and again and yet again.  

So here we are.  In another storm of life but I am looking for my rainbow and my Abba Father will bring hope out of this seemingly hopeless situation.  I’ve seen it before and I’ll see it again.  With each storm He has been good to us and He will be good again.  That’s His promise.  I not only see it in every rainbow after every storm but through the storms.

Blessings,

Nancy

I took the featured photo over the lake near my home.

The Gift

Published on by Nancy21 Comments

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel, I sang as I lit the candles on my table.

I noticed the E had slipped off my peace sign. As I went to straighten it, still singing the words of that familiar Christmas carol, I thought about how the E in PEACE could represent Emmanuel.

There’s no real peace without him.

No peace in our hearts.

No peace in our relationships.

No peace in our world.

No real or lasting peace can be found anywhere else ~ O come, O come Emmanuel.

We often talk about that first Christmas and the gift we received through the babe in the manger.

The perfect gift given that no other gift could ever outdo or outshine.

Emmanuel: God with us.

As I fixed the E, I thought about how I was bringing (or not bringing) Emmanuel into my family, my relationships, my little corner of the world and beyond.

I don’t want to just receive the gift. I want to give the gift.

But I know I can’t humanly do that unless I invite the gift into my own life and not just once but everyday. O come, O come Emmanuel.

I need him here, now … right where I am.

Bob and I have conversations about this as he struggles with his health. We’ve talked about how we need Emmanuel to come daily into our situation. We have sung or just recited those words as a prayer often through the month of December… O come, O come Emmanuel. Here now. In this present moment. God with us. Emmanuel.

We’ve also examined ourselves in the days leading up to Christmas to make sure (as far as it depends on us) that we have given the gift of peace to others in our lives, offering forgiveness, asking for forgiveness and extending grace and love to others. O come, O come Emmanuel.

The broken parts of the world around us can only be mended as we carry the light into the dark. Emmanuel, the light in us leads the way.

These are the gifts that mean the most to us this year. The gifts we will give and hope to receive.

How about you? What gifts can you give to others? How can you bring Emmanuel into your life and into your relationships this Christmas? Real peace comes from the Prince of Peace. It’s that settled feeling deep in our souls that we are right with God and others.

Image: mindful christianity

Some gifts can only be wrapped in love and given in peace.

Blessings,

Nancy

Before The Sun Goes Down

Published on by Nancy8 Comments

Saturday was World Kindness Day. It’s celebrated on November 13 every year to educate people about the importance of being kind to one another, yourself and to the world. It’s great to be reminded of the importance of spreading kindness but what a difference it would make if we put it into practice every day. I like the lyrics to the song Put a Little Love in your Heart:

Think of your fellow man

Lend him a helping hand

Put a little love in your heart

You see it’s getting late

Oh, please don’t hesitate

Put a little love in your heart

And the world will be a better place

For you and me

You just wait and see

Another day goes by still the children cry

Put little love in your heart

If you want the world to know

We won’t let hatred grow

Put a little love in your heart

Take a good look around

And if you’re looking down

Put a little love in your heart

Hope when you decide

Kindness will be your guide

Put a little love in your heart

(Put A Little Love In Your Heart: Songwriters: Jackie De Shannon/ Jimmy Holiday / Randy Myers)

Click on the video below of a few of my sunset photos, put your sound up to hear a sample of the song I referenced (by Al Green and Annie Lennox) and then scroll to the end of my post:

God is love. 1 John 4:8

Not just on World Kindness Day, but before the sun goes down every day let’s think of ways to spread love through acts of kindness and even to those we may feel don’t deserve it. Being kind will do their hearts good and in a mysterious way bless us as well. When others are a recipient of a kind act, it usually spurs them on to do the same for someone else. Let’s start a chain reaction and put a little love in our hearts today and remember to be kind daily.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4: 7-8

Blessings,

Nancy

An Anchor in the Storm

Published on by Nancy15 Comments
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. Hebrews 6:19

Since my husband, Bob, became critically ill 6 years ago, I’ve been referred to as his anchor. Mostly by his medical care teams and by his friends whom he confides in about what direction my role has taken in our marriage.

Being a caregiver to a spouse who has been hospitalized at least 12 times in 6 years with many of them being 1-4 week hospital stays has been daunting.  

At the beginning of this journey, I knew that the only way that I was going to be able to fulfill my calling as Bob’s caregiver was to make sure that I took care of myself as well.

That becomes difficult when you feel the pressure to be the anchor of the family. The one who keeps the ship (so to speak) stable, secure, supported and free from floating erratically in the wind of the storm, keeping it in our safe harbor protected from invaders … or in our case, pathogens that can infiltrate the weak and vulnerable one on board.  

The anchor is lifted when we have to sail to another medical procedure, treatment or check up and anchor in that harbor until it’s time to return to the safety of our home. Anchor down. Our life once again lived in our isolated stable environment. It takes its toll at times to be the support in turbulent times.

God knew long before I knew that this was going to be a difficult storm.  One that would not be over quickly or easily and that Bob would be on deaths doorstep several times and I would be called upon to buoy him up and hold our ship steady. Miraculously his life has been spared time and time again and most recently when a palliative care/hospice physician released him from his care with the words, “Not time yet.” God knew and His plan prevails. How grateful I am to still have Bob here with me.

At the outset of his illness I knew that part of taking care of myself was remembering that I wasn’t capable, in my own strength, to be an anchor.  It was too heavy for me. When I tried, when I became overwhelmed, I needed someone to help lighten the load. God provided everything that I needed in Jesus and through the harshness of the forces coming against us He became enough.  He is still enough …

  • Enough to plant a deep faith in me
  • To show me daily what I need to add or subtract from my life to keep me in His peace
  • To supply the desire and strength to walk 2-3 miles most days to keep my body and mind healthy
  • To provide me with good nutritional choices to make balanced meals
  • To bring me resources to help keep my mind and emotions healthy
  • To give me gifts and hobbies to use and enjoy
  • To move in the hearts of family and friends to call or text me when I need encouragement
  • To show me who I can share my deepest thoughts with
  • To have good listeners available when I need to talk
  • To lead me to friends who won’t judge my words or emotions
  • To keep me from sharing too much so I don’t become a burden
  • To encourage me to share my story to help someone else
  • To reveal to me the good in the hard
  • To fill me with joy and all the other fruits of the Spirit

Enough, enough, enough…He is always enough.

And definitely enough to help me take on this assignment with grace for such a time as this. I feel deep in my soul that this is my best work. A deeply spiritual work.  A job here on earth with remarkable meaning and purpose.  A holy work. This job of taking care of someone who relies on me as I rely on God is truly holy work.  I have to be mindful of this daily and to practice the presence of my Lord and talk to him throughout the day and not just during my designated prayer times.  He is the anchor of hope and the anchor of storms.  

That’s not to say Bob doesn’t rely on God.  He does.  I could never take that number one place in his life. Nor would he want me to. Bob has a solid faith, his soul is healthy and strong but his body is weak. Our anchor, our God, our all in all, is the one anchoring our lives in this storm.

Blessings,

Nancy 

Coming Alive Again

Published on by Nancy17 Comments

It’s a crazy mixed up world we live in.  All you have to do is turn on the news to realize that.  Then there’s our own personal challenges added to the mix.  And…well…that can make us feel overwhelmed.  But there’s still beauty to be found in the middle of the broken.  My camera helps me seek and find it.  I’d like to share another poem that I wrote, several years ago, that was just published.  Go figure…just published after all these years!  Another surprise for me.  I thought I better hurry up and post this since spring is going to shift into summer soon…

Coming Alive Again

1

In spring there’s a freshness

and a beauty unfolds,

all that was sleeping

awakens for us to behold.

daisies

There’s a sigh of relief

that winter has ended,

even the birds are aware

of all that is splendid.

woody

Woodland animals awaken,

peeking out their faces

slowly at the beginning,

from their resting places.

deer light x

Everything comes alive

like a rebirth,

a sense of anticipation

fills the whole earth.

pair of ducks 2

Dormant flowers rise up

to feel the sun’s warmth,

brown grass turns green

and color comes forth.

colors of spring

Gray skies become blue,

clouds look like marshmallows,

a tapestry on the ground

that is no longer fallow.

clouds

A colorful picture

and a marvelous sight —

when the world around us

is no longer black and white.

tulips 2

Written by:  Nancy Janiga

All photos taken by: ©Nancy Janiga

A New Perspective

Published on by Nancy27 Comments

“It is not the ‘ministry’ you could have ever anticipated or chosen but we are confident in God’s ability to help you live it out!” (from a dear pastor and his wife)

window xx wdpI pondered those words as winter released its grip.

ranc 4 x wdp

I think God gifts us with creativity to help us cope through the messy parts of life.  I find that my photography is a way to count my blessings.  I capture most of my photographs indoors now.  I keep snapping and pondering…

tulips wdp

tulips 2 wdp

daisies 2 wdp

coffee and book 2 wdp

ranc 7x wdp

It’s been 2 months today since I posted here but I haven’t been stagnant.  What have I been doing?  Besides taking care of my husband, through his cancer and transplant journey, and finding stillness in my photography, I’ve been praying the Lord’s prayer.  Everyday.  Often several times a day and finding power to live out this ‘ministry’.  My prayer, the words that I learned as a child, take on new meaning and perspective these days:

Our Father who art in Heaven 

( You are my Father.  A good and gracious Father.  A Father that I can approach with the truth about my feelings, even weep and find comfort when I need it the most).

Hallowed by thy name

(You are worthy to receive all my praise.  You are high and exalted and I worship you and thank you for allowing me to grieve my way to acceptance.  I praise you for understanding me from the inside out).

Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven

(May your will be done here in this place (here on earth) where Bob and I live.  Thy will be done.  In releasing my life to your will, it frees me — frees me to give thanks, and leads me to acceptance and in thanksgiving and accepting your will I am surprised by JOY).

Give us this day our daily bread

(Daily bread.  We have enough to eat.  Thank you.  But we need more.  Give us what we need today…peace, patience, endurance, stamina, faith, hope, love, comfort…Give us yourself!  You are the bread of life and in receiving you we receive life.  Abundant life comes by living in your presence.  As my brother, Jim, said to me, “The Lord doesn’t just provide what we need He is what we need”.  And, Lord, you are enough).

And forgive us our sins  

(Forgive me for the sin of fear, despair, or looking back on life as it once was…that life that we left.  Bob’s illness took us out of our comfort zone and we found that comfort zone lacking in many ways.  It’s only in the valley, the trials, the storms that we experience the truth about our Christian faith and what it truly means to follow you.  We understand more fully what you meant when you said:

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple”.  (Luke 14:26)

Even our own families and the familiar can become idols.  We have given up a lot, left family, home, possessions, Bob’s health, friends, church, and now we’re living in a medical bubble in a strange city.  At times it feels or seems like we’ve given up everything …and as hard as that is…it is also freeing).

As we forgive those who sin against us

(Sometimes it hurts when those we thought would be there for us are not or cannot.  Is that a sin against us?  I’ve tried to sort that out, Lord.  When our hope lies in what others do or don’t do, it robs us of peace and joy.  Many do not understand the weight we carry.  Forgive them for they know not what this is or what it’s like. Until we walk in another person’s shoes, we cannot fully grasp the truth.  It is the same for me; for us.  I acknowledge that I don’t always understand what others are going through.  We need to forgive one another!  That frees us to love).

And lead us not into temptation

(Lord, help us not to look at life through our earthly eyes.  Keep our focus crystal clear through our Spiritual eyes.  That first step toward sin often comes through what we see and perceive that we need.  Keep our eyes holy).

But deliver us from evil

( Lift us out from under the weight of the evil one.  Remove his activity in our life and let us not fall into his trap of believing that you are not able to heal. You can and still do and we rest in our prayers for Bob’s healing.  Let us not be lured into self-pity, bitterness over circumstances or lack of trust in your plan and purpose.  We trust and believe in your sovereignty).

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.  Amen!

(And may our lives and all we do and go through point to you.  May you receive glory).  Amen.

Blessings!

Nancy ❤

New Year; New Hope

Published on by Nancy23 Comments
bob on beach(I snapped this photo of Bob at the end of January 2015 on the gulf coast of Florida).

Someday, once again, Bob will enjoy the simple pleasures of God’s creation that he loved so much.  I cherish the above photo because to me it’s filled with light and hope.

My one word for 2016 is HOPE.

hope

After the last 5 difficult months and many more difficult months ahead, 2016 is still filled with so much light and hope

Bob had his bone marrow transplant a couple of weeks ago on January 13, 2016.  As many of you already know our oldest son, Scott, donated his bone marrow to save his dad’s life.  What a gift!

Bob’s discharge from the hospital was on January 27.  Just 2 weeks after the transplant.  The doctors and medical staff stand amazed that the engraftment of the new cells began about 4 or 5 days sooner than anticipated and that allowed his discharge to happen sooner also.

What has been impossible for us to do or the medical staff to do, continues to happen.  We know and hold on to the fact that nothing is impossible with God.

God is shining.  God is receiving the glory through our journey and even though we still have a hard road ahead we know we are not alone and His mercy will sustain us.

Bob is weak.  His immune system is compromised and won’t get better for many months.  The immunosuppressants (or anti-rejection meds) also lower his ability to fight infections so he must be protected like a new born babe.

In many respects, he is like a newborn, with new life and new hope.

One of our favorite verses since Bob’s diagnosis with the chronic form of Leukemia in 2014 and on into 2015 when it transitioned into the more serious acute type of leukemia has been Lamentations 3: 21-23:

hope

Because the Lord’s steadfast love never ceases, we have hope for 2016 and beyond.

Blessings,

Nancy ❤

(To all of you who are praying for my Bob and for our entire family…THANK YOU!  That’s what is moving the hand of God and helping us through this difficult time.  Although we know God knows all things, sees all things, and is present with us, he wants us to pray and uses prayer in a mysterious way to carry out His plan.  We are grateful for the many prayers going up for us).