Tag: love

Love showed up

Published on by Nancy36 Comments

Yesterday while cleaning out a closet, I came across some dried roses hanging from a rod.  They were the last roses Bob had given me before he passed away. I took them out and put them on a table.  I continued cleaning out the closet to gather items to either donate or throw away.  There was a manilla envelope sitting on one of the shelves.  I opened it and found some vintage valentine cards that Bob and I had purchased through the years at antique shops. I placed 2 of them next to the roses.  

Later in the day, I went into a filing cabinet to look through some papers that I could possibly start shredding. Behind a stack of papers I found the letters Bob had written to me while he was in the military and overseas.  I took them out and placed them near the roses and valentine cards.  

My last Valentine’s day with Bob was February, 2022. We didn’t do anything special.  We just talked and reminisced about our life together and I made us a special meal. 

Today, on Valentine’s Day, I’m doing the same thing…reminiscing, remembering, being thankful for the years that I had with Bob and showing love to those that I still have in my life.  

Over the past week, I’ve made plans to get some painting done in my home, I’m tackling projects that Bob and I talked about doing together and I sense his smile and can hear his words in my heart too, “I’m proud of you, Nancy.  You can do this!”  

My son, Michael, brought me a bouquet of flowers today for Valentine’s Day. 

 

A few days ago two of my friends brought over a beautiful Valentine’s Day card and some homemade cookies.  

Love came to me this Valentine’s Day. It showed up in unexpected and different ways and through different people.  

I still feel Bob’s love.  I feel the love of family and friends.  I feel God’s love.

I am blessed. 

Fresh Dew

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It was early in the morning on February 3 and dew blanketed my lawn and the glass railings surrounding my deck. Our February temperatures have been unseasonably spring-like but that morning they dropped again and the moisture turned to a sparkling crystal like pattern on the glass. 

I have a book that I read in the morning with a passage dated for each day. I had been busy all week taking care of my 3 year old grandson and missed several days so I went back to January 30 to catch up. I had a fun week of non-stop activity but felt the need that morning for some deep physical and spiritual rest.   

This is the passage that I read …

Spiritual Dew

    “I will be as the dew to Israel…” (Hos. 14:5).

    The dew is a source of freshness.  It is nature’s provision for renewing the face of the earth.  It falls at night, and without it the vegetation would die.  It is this great value of the dew which is so often recognized in the Scriptures.  It is used as the symbol of spiritual refreshing.  Just as nature is bathed in dew, so the Lord renews His people.  In Titus 3:5 the same thought of spiritual refreshing is connected with the ministry of the Holy Spirit – “renewing of the Holy Spirit.”

    …Every day you must receive the renewing of the Holy Spirit.  You know when your whole being is pulsating with the vigor and freshness of Divine life and when you feel jaded and worn.  Quietness and absorption bring the dew.  At night when the leaf and blade are still, the vegetable pores are open to receive the refreshing and invigorating bath; so spiritual dew comes from quietly lingering in the Master’s presence.  Get still before Him.  Haste will prevent your receiving the dew.  Wait before God until you feel saturated with His presence; then go forth to your next duty with the conscious freshness and vigor of Christ.

    – Dr. Paddington

    Dew will never gather while there is either heat or wind.  The temperature must fall, and the wind cease, and the air come to a point of coolness and rest – absolute rest, so to speak – before it can yield up its invisible particles of moisture to bedew either herb or flower.  So the grace of God does not come forth to rest the soul of man until the still point is fairly and fully reached.

    “Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
    Till all our strivings cease:
    Take from our souls the strain and stress;
    And let our ordered lives confess
    The beauty of Thy peace.

    Breathe through the pulses of desire
    Thy coolness and Thy balm;
    Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire:
    Speak through the earthquake, wind and fire,
    O still small voice of calm!

– Taken from Streams In The Desert compiled by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman.

After reading the above excerpt from my book and praying for God’s fresh dew to Invigorate me, I glanced out my picture window and noticed the frost on the glass railing surrounding my deck was melting…all except one area of the glass nearest to my window.  It’s a heart!  I whispered. I grabbed my phone and took this photo:  

Everything I read that morning and this heart spoke deeply to me and I was revived. 

Some may call this silly or a coincidence but I call it the still small voice of God. 

Blessings,

Nancy

There is Singing and there is Light

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As a young child, I can remember my mother singing through the house as she did her chores. She had the gift of a beautiful voice and she filled our home with it.

I was the oldest and then came my sister, Diane. We were the first two of six children. When she and I were very young, my mother often sang us to sleep at night.

There, on our bed all tucked in after a warm bath, clean pajamas slipped into, our hair towel dried, and prayers said, she sang.

When darkness set in, often thoughts that weren’t there in the daylight hours would surface. Like those unrelenting thoughts of monsters that are common in the imaginations of small children.

I needed a glimmer of light somewhere close by to pierce through the darkness.

To read the full article click here: https://www.christiangrandfather.org/2023/05/14/there-is-singing-and-there-is-light/ where I’m the featured writer for Christian Grandfather Magazine today.

Blessings,

Nancy

Good and Perfect Gifts

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Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

When I’m tempted to start my day with worry, sadness, frustration or disappointment, I turn my eyes upward and focus on God who is the source of my joy. Then I muster up the will to find the good and perfect gifts throughout the day. They are here but the negative emotions can cloud my ability to see them.  

In my grief, I know how important it is to feel my emotions and not bottle them up.  I shared a part of my grief journey in A Way Through.  

I have a myriad of emotions that rise up in me daily.  I don’t stuff them but try hard not to wallow in them either.  That has been a choice.  It’s a choice that recycles my emotional pain and takes me to positive places in my heart and mind.  

The photo above is from Valentine’s Day 2020 … right before the pandemic. It popped up as a feature photo on my phone and my heart dropped.  Oh how I miss him, I thought.  My emotions began to take me down the rabbit hole of sadness and for longings to have Bob with me again.

But as I looked at it for awhile I put myself back in the picture, sitting across from Bob in the little restaurant called Dr. Rolfs Barbecue.   

I remembered the white chicken chili we had for lunch, what we were talking and laughing about and how Bob picked up his straw like he was smoking.  I shook my head but he kept making me laugh so I finally snapped the photo with my phone. I’m glad I have it now.

We talked about how we enjoyed the cornbread waffles that they made fresh daily. A small slice was included with each bowl of chili but before that day we had never ordered the dessert waffles. The plate of waffles topped with strawberries and whipped cream that was pictured on the menu caught my attention.  Bob said, “It’s Valentine’s Day, let’s order it.”  And we did.  

After lunch we took a walk through the streets of downtown before going home.  

I give thanks for this Valentine’s Day memory.

The memories are a gift.  In a world that can often be dark and troublesome, there are still good and perfect gifts everywhere.  Sometimes the hard places are gifts too, because they bring us to the Creator of everything perfect and good who helps us through all things.  

Go hug a loved one.  Count your gifts.  Someday they will be wonderful memories to relive and you’ll carry them in your heart forever.  

Blessings,

Nancy

A Way Through

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“You will embark,” he said, “on a fair sea, and at times there will be fair weather, but not always. You will meet storms and overcome them.  You will take it in turns to steer your boat through fair weather and foul.  Never lose courage.  Safe harbor awaits you both in the end.” —Daphne Du Maurier

We have met storms and they didn’t overcome us.  The promise of a safe harbor kept us going  but one of us has reached the safe harbor and one of us is left to navigate the rest of the way alone.  

On August 29, 2022, I wrote:Looking for my Rainbow. It was the day after Bob was taken by ambulance to the hospital for the last time.

I said my final goodbye to my beloved husband on September 2, 2022 as he exited earth for his eternal home.  He reached his safe harbor.  For the last few months I have been slowly learning how to live as ‘me’ instead of ‘we’.

The loss of Bob is accompanied by other losses.  Grief has a ripple effect.  These are often referred to as secondary losses.  The tasks Bob did and decisions he made that he no longer does is a loss.  Being Bob’s caregiver, as hard as it was at times, is a loss and I miss it.  I grieve his sense of humor, coffee together, deep conversations, driving to and walking in favorite little towns along our lakeshore. Now just driving through our city alone is hard. Memories of our life together here surface and waves of grief come again and again. Today is his birthday and I grieve not being able to make a special dinner and his favorite cake or dessert.  I missed greeting him this morning with a kiss and a gift or card. These losses and more take me by surprise but I know it’s all part of healing.  Each one must be felt and not buried if I want to move forward. 

Mind over matter doesn’t work in the middle of grief.  Nor does trying to harness the power of positive thinking.  It cannot be willed away.  As uncomfortable as it is, grief must be felt.  I am experiencing the truth of that… we cannot not grieve when going through loss.  

There’s a sweetness in the grief at times and that surprises me too.  Tears bring relief and healing. It always helps to just let them flow. I’ve read in several grief recovery books that if grief is bottled up it won’t go away. It will just build up like the steam in a tea kettle until the pressure has to be released and will come out at inappropriate times and in unhealthy ways. We can’t avoid it, push it away, try to mask it or run away from the intense feelings. So I’m taking it slow, easy and letting the process unfold.  

I don’t know what I’d do if I was alone in the process.  Sons, daughter-in-law, grandchildren can’t take away the void I feel but being with family and sharing memories of Bob’s love and presence in our lives becomes a buffer.  It helps all of us.  My two sisters have been saving my life.  Although they haven’t experienced what I’m going through, they keep in close contact with me and check in on me often. Family has been a soft place to land.       

Women who have lost husbands reached out to me and long time relationships with some of them have deepened and new relationships with others are developing. It’s encouraging to be in the company of women who understand each other’s pain. These women are a gift. We are a gift to one another.    

The sweetness of grieving is also felt in my relationship with God.  Honesty in prayer has opened up a deeper, richer relationship with Him.  

He is close to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I dislike the word widow.  It’s hard for me to utter the word but with this new status comes something good that I would never want to miss or avoid. My God holds me closer than ever now.  It’s his promise to me.  He states it over and over again in the Bible and I just learned recently that there are 103 scripture references to widows, revealing the importance I hold in the heart of God. Widows are included with prisoners, orphans — the voiceless — the oppressed–the powerless — and He promises to uphold us and speak for us. 

Through all the pain, sorrow and heartache, I have been invited into the arms of my Savior and my God.  He is listening, defending and touching my heart and His promises to me hold true.

I wrote the following poem many years ago for a grieving friend: 

SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

In the arms of Jesus

is where your loved one rests

and you can be assured

that’s where he’s truly blessed.

No more pain or suffering

now free from all sorrow

in the midst of singing angels

there is a bright tomorrow.

For all of Heaven’s days are bathed

in the brilliance of God’s light

there’s no more fear of darkness

for in Heaven there’s no night.

Remember, in your deepest sorrow,

you grieve not without hope

and the one who holds your loved one close

is the one who’ll help you cope.

My beloved, Bob, has reached the safe harbor and I am being helped, loved and cared for by the One who welcomed him to safety.  Bob reached that distant shore first.  Now with confidence in God’s guidance and the memory of Bob alive in my heart, I will move toward that harbor where both of them will someday welcome me home.

Nancy Janiga

1/26/2023

The featured photo was taken on the shores of Lake Michigan

Looking for my Rainbow

Published on by Nancy29 Comments

On a not too hot summer day with lots of sunshine and low humidity, we were exploring a quaint little shoreline town.  The whole vibe was creative with local artists filling boutiques with one of a kind pieces of art.  Resale shops and restaurants lined the bay.  Good company, food, fun and laughter filled the day.  I was with family … my husband, two sisters, their husbands and my youngest son and his girlfriend.  The day couldn’t have been more perfect. 

We took a walk on the pier, had lunch on the waterfront, visited a couple more shops and then headed toward the car.  As we passed a boutique where I spotted a candle earlier, I told the group that I was going to go inside to purchase it.  They said that they’d meet me in the car that was just a few feet from the store.  

I walked over to the candle section and noticed the sky getting dark out the side window. What is happening, I thought. The bright blue sky was turning gray quickly.  As the lights went out in the store, I followed the other customers to the window.  The wind was shaking the little shop.  As I looked outside, I saw trees being uprooted by the wind and thrown to the ground, people were trying to run for cover but the wall of rain and wind pushed against them and they began to fall or be lifted up and tossed around like rag dolls.  That’s when I saw my family race away in our vehicle.  They left me behind.  Customers clutched each other and began to cry.  

Trying to console them I yelled, “Look for your rainbow!  Look for your rainbow!” 

I saw light on the the other side of the store, ran toward the windows in that space and I exclaimed, “Look, look!”  I turned in their direction, “Come here,” and they ran over to me.  Out that large picture window in front of us were rolling green hills, dotted with flowers and birds and butterflies flying about.  The sun was rising behind the hills brighter and brighter.  Over the sun a colorful rainbow arched over the expanse of the sky.  

________________

Look for your rainbow!  Look for your rainbow!  Look for your rainbow!  It was a mantra that I kept repeating as I woke up from that dream in the wee hours of the morning. 

It was July, 2017 and a year and a half after my husband’s bone marrow transplant.  He would be prepped for open heart surgery soon.  I jumped out of bed to get ready to drive to the hospital repeating the phrase, look for your rainbow, look for your rainbow. I held onto the hope that it would come after the storm.  

There have been many rainbows to light up our sky in the last 7 years as Bob and I have weathered many storms with his health.

    _________________

Last night I drove to the hospital in a literal storm.  My windshield wipers were working overtime but with the sheets of rain coming down it was hard to see clearly. With the wind howling, thunder roaring and lightning flashing I prayed behind the ambulance that was transporting my husband to the hospital.  

Make a way, Lord.  I cannot not see ahead in this literal storm nor can I see my way clear in yet another circumstantial storm.  You are my WayMaker, you are our WayMaker.  I trust you again and again and yet again.  

So here we are.  In another storm of life but I am looking for my rainbow and my Abba Father will bring hope out of this seemingly hopeless situation.  I’ve seen it before and I’ll see it again.  With each storm He has been good to us and He will be good again.  That’s His promise.  I not only see it in every rainbow after every storm but through the storms.

Blessings,

Nancy

I took the featured photo over the lake near my home.

The Gift

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O Come, O Come, Emmanuel, I sang as I lit the candles on my table.

I noticed the E had slipped off my peace sign. As I went to straighten it, still singing the words of that familiar Christmas carol, I thought about how the E in PEACE could represent Emmanuel.

There’s no real peace without him.

No peace in our hearts.

No peace in our relationships.

No peace in our world.

No real or lasting peace can be found anywhere else ~ O come, O come Emmanuel.

We often talk about that first Christmas and the gift we received through the babe in the manger.

The perfect gift given that no other gift could ever outdo or outshine.

Emmanuel: God with us.

As I fixed the E, I thought about how I was bringing (or not bringing) Emmanuel into my family, my relationships, my little corner of the world and beyond.

I don’t want to just receive the gift. I want to give the gift.

But I know I can’t humanly do that unless I invite the gift into my own life and not just once but everyday. O come, O come Emmanuel.

I need him here, now … right where I am.

Bob and I have conversations about this as he struggles with his health. We’ve talked about how we need Emmanuel to come daily into our situation. We have sung or just recited those words as a prayer often through the month of December… O come, O come Emmanuel. Here now. In this present moment. God with us. Emmanuel.

We’ve also examined ourselves in the days leading up to Christmas to make sure (as far as it depends on us) that we have given the gift of peace to others in our lives, offering forgiveness, asking for forgiveness and extending grace and love to others. O come, O come Emmanuel.

The broken parts of the world around us can only be mended as we carry the light into the dark. Emmanuel, the light in us leads the way.

These are the gifts that mean the most to us this year. The gifts we will give and hope to receive.

How about you? What gifts can you give to others? How can you bring Emmanuel into your life and into your relationships this Christmas? Real peace comes from the Prince of Peace. It’s that settled feeling deep in our souls that we are right with God and others.

Image: mindful christianity

Some gifts can only be wrapped in love and given in peace.

Blessings,

Nancy

Before The Sun Goes Down

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Saturday was World Kindness Day. It’s celebrated on November 13 every year to educate people about the importance of being kind to one another, yourself and to the world. It’s great to be reminded of the importance of spreading kindness but what a difference it would make if we put it into practice every day. I like the lyrics to the song Put a Little Love in your Heart:

Think of your fellow man

Lend him a helping hand

Put a little love in your heart

You see it’s getting late

Oh, please don’t hesitate

Put a little love in your heart

And the world will be a better place

For you and me

You just wait and see

Another day goes by still the children cry

Put little love in your heart

If you want the world to know

We won’t let hatred grow

Put a little love in your heart

Take a good look around

And if you’re looking down

Put a little love in your heart

Hope when you decide

Kindness will be your guide

Put a little love in your heart

(Put A Little Love In Your Heart: Songwriters: Jackie De Shannon/ Jimmy Holiday / Randy Myers)

Click on the video below of a few of my sunset photos, put your sound up to hear a sample of the song I referenced (by Al Green and Annie Lennox) and then scroll to the end of my post:

God is love. 1 John 4:8

Not just on World Kindness Day, but before the sun goes down every day let’s think of ways to spread love through acts of kindness and even to those we may feel don’t deserve it. Being kind will do their hearts good and in a mysterious way bless us as well. When others are a recipient of a kind act, it usually spurs them on to do the same for someone else. Let’s start a chain reaction and put a little love in our hearts today and remember to be kind daily.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4: 7-8

Blessings,

Nancy

An Anchor in the Storm

Published on by Nancy15 Comments
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. Hebrews 6:19

Since my husband, Bob, became critically ill 6 years ago, I’ve been referred to as his anchor. Mostly by his medical care teams and by his friends whom he confides in about what direction my role has taken in our marriage.

Being a caregiver to a spouse who has been hospitalized at least 12 times in 6 years with many of them being 1-4 week hospital stays has been daunting.  

At the beginning of this journey, I knew that the only way that I was going to be able to fulfill my calling as Bob’s caregiver was to make sure that I took care of myself as well.

That becomes difficult when you feel the pressure to be the anchor of the family. The one who keeps the ship (so to speak) stable, secure, supported and free from floating erratically in the wind of the storm, keeping it in our safe harbor protected from invaders … or in our case, pathogens that can infiltrate the weak and vulnerable one on board.  

The anchor is lifted when we have to sail to another medical procedure, treatment or check up and anchor in that harbor until it’s time to return to the safety of our home. Anchor down. Our life once again lived in our isolated stable environment. It takes its toll at times to be the support in turbulent times.

God knew long before I knew that this was going to be a difficult storm.  One that would not be over quickly or easily and that Bob would be on deaths doorstep several times and I would be called upon to buoy him up and hold our ship steady. Miraculously his life has been spared time and time again and most recently when a palliative care/hospice physician released him from his care with the words, “Not time yet.” God knew and His plan prevails. How grateful I am to still have Bob here with me.

At the outset of his illness I knew that part of taking care of myself was remembering that I wasn’t capable, in my own strength, to be an anchor.  It was too heavy for me. When I tried, when I became overwhelmed, I needed someone to help lighten the load. God provided everything that I needed in Jesus and through the harshness of the forces coming against us He became enough.  He is still enough …

  • Enough to plant a deep faith in me
  • To show me daily what I need to add or subtract from my life to keep me in His peace
  • To supply the desire and strength to walk 2-3 miles most days to keep my body and mind healthy
  • To provide me with good nutritional choices to make balanced meals
  • To bring me resources to help keep my mind and emotions healthy
  • To give me gifts and hobbies to use and enjoy
  • To move in the hearts of family and friends to call or text me when I need encouragement
  • To show me who I can share my deepest thoughts with
  • To have good listeners available when I need to talk
  • To lead me to friends who won’t judge my words or emotions
  • To keep me from sharing too much so I don’t become a burden
  • To encourage me to share my story to help someone else
  • To reveal to me the good in the hard
  • To fill me with joy and all the other fruits of the Spirit

Enough, enough, enough…He is always enough.

And definitely enough to help me take on this assignment with grace for such a time as this. I feel deep in my soul that this is my best work. A deeply spiritual work.  A job here on earth with remarkable meaning and purpose.  A holy work. This job of taking care of someone who relies on me as I rely on God is truly holy work.  I have to be mindful of this daily and to practice the presence of my Lord and talk to him throughout the day and not just during my designated prayer times.  He is the anchor of hope and the anchor of storms.  

That’s not to say Bob doesn’t rely on God.  He does.  I could never take that number one place in his life. Nor would he want me to. Bob has a solid faith, his soul is healthy and strong but his body is weak. Our anchor, our God, our all in all, is the one anchoring our lives in this storm.

Blessings,

Nancy 

Coming Alive Again

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It’s a crazy mixed up world we live in.  All you have to do is turn on the news to realize that.  Then there’s our own personal challenges added to the mix.  And…well…that can make us feel overwhelmed.  But there’s still beauty to be found in the middle of the broken.  My camera helps me seek and find it.  I’d like to share another poem that I wrote, several years ago, that was just published.  Go figure…just published after all these years!  Another surprise for me.  I thought I better hurry up and post this since spring is going to shift into summer soon…

Coming Alive Again

1

In spring there’s a freshness

and a beauty unfolds,

all that was sleeping

awakens for us to behold.

daisies

There’s a sigh of relief

that winter has ended,

even the birds are aware

of all that is splendid.

woody

Woodland animals awaken,

peeking out their faces

slowly at the beginning,

from their resting places.

deer light x

Everything comes alive

like a rebirth,

a sense of anticipation

fills the whole earth.

pair of ducks 2

Dormant flowers rise up

to feel the sun’s warmth,

brown grass turns green

and color comes forth.

colors of spring

Gray skies become blue,

clouds look like marshmallows,

a tapestry on the ground

that is no longer fallow.

clouds

A colorful picture

and a marvelous sight —

when the world around us

is no longer black and white.

tulips 2

Written by:  Nancy Janiga

All photos taken by: ©Nancy Janiga